Unapplied Science

At the outset, this feels like it will be more of a rant than any sort of coherent essay, but I have decided to undertake it anyway, since today, I have discovered the greatest, although incorrectly applied, scientific discovery of the 21st century.

The device is called the Mosquito. It is an anti-loitering device which targets teenagers and young adults only. The science is a little bit difficult, so try to bear with me. The device emits an ultrasonic tone which is only audible to humans through thier early twenties. This is explained by the fact that as we age past that point, we lose the fine, ultrasensitive hairs that line the ear canal. This of course is due to the improper use of the QTip, but I will leave that for a later conspiracy theory. Amazingly enough, the tone, resembling fingernails on a chalkboard, does not bother babies, toddlers or children until about age 12, or dogs. This is explained by the rampant growth of pubic hair in humans at around that age (Think of a piano with thick heavy low end strings and thin strings at the top. The auditory harmonic is altered by puberty until it almost resembles Barry Manilow clawing a chalkboard, which would clearly be aggravating to any generation but especially to midlevel sprouts). (Aside: Interestingly enough, this also explains why no normal adult can ever fully grasp the lyrics to any current hip-hop song)

The ACLU, GDRCLU, UKCLU, AUSCLU and CLUs everywhere are up in arms over the intentional torture of youth. The long term effects on health are unknown. The Great Triad therefore highly recommends that the youth of america spend much more time with the legs of their boy/girlfriends wrapped around their heads. The hearing of our youth must be protected.

But, enough about the intended use of the device. There are many socially productive uses for the Mosquito, although it would have to be altered slightly. The following are just a few of my suggestions.

Imagine you are standing in a long line at the supermarket when the device emits a tone, causing excruciating feedback in the hearing aids of the 78 year old woman at the front, who has been counting out change for the last 1/2 hour. She drops her wallet and pocketbook on the floor and is writhing in obvious discomfort. This of course will do nothing to allay your almost homicidal frustration, but everyone in line will be laughing and that makes for a much better world.

Imagine, you come home from work unexpectedly and find your daughter having sex with her boyfriend on YOUR bed. You turn on the device which sends a electical impulse through the coil springs in the mattress targeting her pleasure centers, causing her the most mind-blowing, gut wrenching orgasm she has ever had. When it's over, she throws her boyfriend out of the house, runs out and finds a job, buys and installs her own device, throws out her cellphone and her Ipod,
and only comes out of her room for dinner. She of course grows up and lives happily ever after.

Imagine, you are out grouse hunting with several of your friends, when one of them turns for a shot and accidently shoots you. You press the button on you device, which creates a strong elecromagnetic pulse, dislodging the bullet from your chest, launching it between your friends eyes. Long live the speaker of the house. You of course live happily ever after.

Imagine, you're just fed up with the general grumpiness and stupidity of humanity. You push the button on your device and everyone starts smiling and laughing. Then you wake up.