Thursday, May 22, 2008


As I said before, I drove through Vermont last weekend to see my daughter graduate from college, and I was struck by the outright beauty of dandelion fields. Yellow was always my mother's favorite color, but never mine. I always took after my father, and adopted green as my color choice ("God made the earth green because it's the easiest color on the eyes"). My dad was more of an oak-leaf green kind of guy, while I lean more toward lobster tamale, or infectious discharge.

After driving miles and miles past green fields peppered with the yellow of dandelions, I realized how much I owe my parents for my outlook on the world. My father could spend an entire weekend, snake tongue trowel in hand, plunging it deep into the earth to excise the full dandelion root. Most often, he did this while only clad in boxer shorts ("What's the difference between boxers and a bathing suit"? That he would fetch me from the playground without dressing further proved to be an endless source of embarrassment for me, but that's another story). Then he would gather the entire pile of dandelion corpses and throw them in the trash, but like our savior, they would reappear, reanimated, for the following weekend's fun.

My father apparently never realized the benefits of dandelions. Their deep root system aerates the soil far better than any spiked roller ever could. And they apparently attract a wide variety of beneficial insects as well. In fact, a recent study at the University of Wisconsin found that there is a twofold increase in ladybug population in acreage where dandelions are allowed to grow (I have decided to let them grow in my yard in the hope that the millions of ladybugs inhabiting my front hall will evacuate to the backyard). They serve many medicinal purposes, removing warts, and providing increased liver function. One serving of dandelion greens, cooked or uncooked, provides twice the daily requirement of vitamins A and C, as well as beta carotene (I myself would prefer to dine on dogshit washed down with my own urine, but I don't speak for everyone). In fact, the dandelion is cultivated in many parts of the world.

I confess, that after discovering the benefits of dandelions, I was certain of a conspiracy of lawncare product manufacturers to eradicate the pretty dandelion, but apparently they have been held in low standing for millennia.

I have never had a problem with the mixture of yellow and green on the lawns of the world, but I apparently stand with the minority, and I, admittedly, am a little odd. But for those of you that are so sure that the dandelion is a pest, might I suggest a drive through Vermont.

It is clear to me that we all do not like the same things. There is enough religious intolerance and sexual deviation among us to fill more pages than I will ever pen. One man's pleasure is another mans pest. There is a little dandelion in all of us. Let's hope that we, as a species turn out to be as hardy as Taraxacum officinale.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Forward Thinking

"Don't believe everything you think"

I took a little road trip this weekend for my daughter's graduation and was struck by how many drivers never turn their heads left or right--just stare straight ahead. That you can drive that way through the Green mountains of Vermont without taking in the scenery is bad enough, but not the point. We all spend too much time just looking straight ahead, like there's no other choice.

I arrived at my daughter's apartment, and after a very pleasant visit, off we went to the ceremonies. It was a beautiful, sunny day, I was the proud dad, and all seemed right with the world. Then the commencement speaker came out, some hippie relic filmmaker with a famous last name but not the famous filmmaker, and starts spouting off that the 'probable presidential candidate' represents a real opportunity for change, and that how today's youth has to pick up the baton that the 60's relay team dropped, and carry us into the new democratic paradise. After my initial urge to strangle him passed, I began to calmly dissect his call to arms. If I were still a youth I would have to ask myself why I would listen to a man who believes that any current political candidate can represent change. I mean, you can change the skin on your cell phone, but it's still a cellphone. To pretend that any candidate is not firmly entrenched in the old guard is ludicrous. To fail to realize that any of the big three presidential hopefuls hasn't been salivating over their ascent to office since the days when they were still fondling their barbie dolls, is almost criminal. Change cannot come from within the establishment. It can only come from a candidate who doesn't want to be president. Therefore, I rescind my candidacy (the really intelligent amongst my readers will realize that by rescinding my candidacy, I am actually declaring that I want to be president, thereby declaring that I am not a candidate for change, even though I actually am, so you better not vote for me anyway).

We drive looking forward because we are afraid of the unpaved path; we are afraid to not know where we are going. It's like getting married a second time. You already know that you suck at it, but you follow the known road anyway. Change cannot be implemented for the whole of society until the individual is willing to glance sideways. It cannot come slowly, it cannot come through revolution, it cannot come through terrorism. It has to emanate from each of us individually. We, each of us, need to explore the possibility that the righteous path may be rife with better lefts and rights, maybe even u-turns.

"It's not hard to grow, when you know that you just don't know".

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Ice cream

I was all ready this morning to instigate a national protest regarding the size reduction of ice cream containers. I mean it costs the same, but its got less ice cream. Edy's even went so far as to change the dimensions of the container, undoubtedly in an attempt to deceive us. But I can't be mad about it anymore. The world is full of great news today.

A heinous terrorist plot was uncovered in Pennsylvania yesterday. Authorities are still trying to tie up all the loose ends, but I will tell you what I know. The plot is definitively of national scope and scale. We should all put our hands together for the postal employees of Mohnton, PA..

National security authorities have long suspected that the current ant infestation in Houston was linked to a terrorist cell in Taiwan. Through the use of cellphone monitoring, and other really cool high tech gizmos, authorities have long known that al-Qaeda and other terrorist groups have given up on more traditional activities i.e. flying planes into buildings, suitcase nuclear devices and biological water contamination, and have determined that the proper path to follow involves disrupting the US economy.

It all begins in Houston in 2002. Early that September, The Hashish of the American Infidel, a cargo ship of Liberian registry, docked at pier 37c at the port of Houston. A crew member, later identified as Abdul el Bulbul Amir, left the ship with three large breeding colonies of 'crazy, rasberry ants' concealed in his suitcase. He released the first colony at the airport, a hub for many major airlines. The second colony was released near NASA. The third, concealed in a plastic water bottle (red, I think) and accidentally dropped by Amir, was picked up by a travelling Mariachi band who threw it out the car window when they discovered it was full of ants. The 'crazy rasberry ants', like all other ants, are drawn to high tech electrical wiring. It was believed that if they could infiltrate the electronic systems at the Houston airport, that the travel industry would be disabled. The theory of the NASA infestation was that if they could disable the electronics there, then what little is left of the american imagination could be eradicated. The third accidental release bore consequences so dire that they must be left for later.

The 'crazy rasberry ants' have not accomplished their mission as of yet. However, they have created collateral problems. The ants, which now number in the billions, have managed to shut down several sewage treatment plants, disable numerous home electrical meters, and disrupted satellite TV reception in a five county area. Since, as of yet, there is no known way to eliminate the pests, NASA and the airlines are extremely worried about future problems. They have also inflicted great damage to the regions agriculture, eating everything in their path. The unfortunate consequence of the accidental release, is that the ants devour the offspring of the beloved, and already endangered, state bird of east Texas, the Attwater's prairie chicken. The survival of the species is in grave doubt.

The second part of the plot was stopped dead in its tracks by alert postal workers in Pennsylvania, when they interrupted the shipment of several packages containing 26 mating pairs of rhinoceros, Goliath and Hercules beetles. These beetles, 5-6 inches across, can be devastating to fruit and vegetable crops, as well as turf grasses. They have also been known to devour small children. Part of the original plan was to denude the playing fields of Pennsylvania, thereby interrupting the quarterback crop for the NFL for generations to come.

It is unknown at this time whether the third segment of the plot came to fruition. The plan was to salt preying mantis grounds in New England and the midwest with fertility drugs. It remains a mystery as to what was intended here, but I can tell you categorically that I, for one, am terrified by the praying mantis.

So, rest easy, america, your hard earned tax dollars, and the bureaucracies they support, have ensured once again that our great country, and our great people will survive for years to come.
Maybe I don't need to seek the presidency after all.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Aliens, Einstein and Entropy

"The eternal mystery of the world is its comprehensibility"---Albert Einstein

The vatican announced recently that it is OK to believe in aliens, that it "doesn't contradict our faith", and that denouncing the possibility of extraterrestrial life would be like "putting limits" on god's creative freedom.

With all due respect to members of The Church of the Unblemished Beaver (aka 'chubbies') and other falderol inspired houses of worship, it is about fuckin time. The interview with the rev. Jose Gabriel Funes, titled The Extraterrestrial is my Brother, clears the way for welcoming aliens to earth while killing each other off. He added that the bible "is not a science book", and the Big Bang is the most "reasonable" explanation for the creation of the universe. The most reverend Funes apparently has not read the triadic theory of relativity.
Albert Einstein, a much smarter man than me, once wrote "...The word of God is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honourable, but still primitive legends which are nevertheless pretty childish. No interpretation now matter how subtle can (for me) change this." Einstein, however, was clearly conflicted on the subject of religion. "Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind."--"God does not roll dice..." He also frowned on atheistic evangelism in his name; the evangelists lacked humility in his eyes. (Objection noted, Albert, but you are dead and have no say here)
Just prior to his death, Einstein spoke of wishing to "experience the universe as a single cosmic whole". However, his 'roll the dice' comment was made to dispute the randomness of quantum theory. It is clear to me that he was nearly ready to accept the basis of the Great Triad. Unfortunately, the ancient texts had not been unearthed in 1954. Also, in 1954, he was already an old man and his Mamou influence had already waned. Which leads me to the crux of this essay.
Mamou is pissed off, feeling ignored, shunned even. The cataclysmic events of recent days is evidence of his temper--earthquakes, volcanoes, child immolation, democratic primaries. The Great Triad is out of balance and he wants his share back.
I was pondering the life of Owsley Stanley today. Once dubbed the LSD millionaire, justly or unjustly, he is now a hardcore carnivore living in the Australian outback. Which led me to realize that drugs are just a business, like any other business, and I began to ponder the differences between businesses. Clearly, the worldwide gangs and associated drug cartels are run by people who can only be described as 'smart businessmen'. But in order to exert any positive influence, they need to be smarter still. Politics, and resultant 'influence' can only be affected, at least in the good ol' u.s. of a., by businesses that have been speciously labeled 'in the national interest'. By this I mean oil, steel, power and drug companies. Drug lords need to find a way to funnel their enormous profits into political action committees.
You know, we could be forgiven once for believing that Kennedy, or McGovern, might be the saving grace for our country; the naivete of youth perhaps. But we can only blame rampant stupidity for believing that any of the current candidates will do anything different. We have been listening to the same series of spins, half truths and false promises for well nigh a generation. And this can only be explained by entropy.
When we are born, we all have an overload of Mamouness. We jump of roofs, shoot BB guns at passing cars, smoke a lot of weed, drink a lot of beer, have a lot of sex. We don't make plans, or save money. We learn to walk, we learn to drive. The world comes at us how it wants, when it wants, without consequence, with possibility. But the more we learn, the more we forget, then we forget how to learn. We forget how to get lost, we forget how to play, we forget how to remember. And when we reach that 'quiet desperation', we go out searching for spirituality, or fun, or a strange piece of ass. We look to jesus, or yoga, or golf, or plasma TVs for the quietude of not giving a shit.
So I would ask all 4o+ americans to make a commitment. Roll a fatty and get high. Go fuck someone you don't know. Burn your bras (men too). Dance naked in the streets. Find you inner child and revert.
It is in the spirit of today's essay that I announce my candidacy as a write-in for president of the united states of amerika. I will take no money from anyone. Simply write in Fallen Angel in November. I promise that I will be high for the duration of my term(s). I promise that you will view the presidency as your favorite sitcom. I promise you that I will piss on the shoes of any congressperson who stands in my way. I will have no staff. I will trim the deficit by spending no money at all. I will send no one off to senseless wars. I will nominate Louis Black to the Supreme Court. I will legalize all drugs. I will remove "In god we trust' from all currency. I will insist that all congressional pages wear funny hats. I will eliminate red and blue from the color spectrum. I will make amerika the pride of the world. If I live that long.

Monday, May 5, 2008

The secrets of the universe, fatima, celery and hardboiled eggs

Good morning to all. Today's essay is on a subject dear to my heart because it has a lot to do with me, but the path to the end of the story will have many forks. So read slowly and carefully.

As I mentioned before, the boundary of the known universe has always fascinated me. If the universe is indeed expanding, what is it expanding into? My standard answer prior to today was that it was expanding into nothing, but I have changed my mind. While pondering this question recently, I do believe that with ten minutes of wavering concentration, I have stumbled upon the answer to everything. The Grand Unified Theory awaits your perusal.

The universe is a Torus. I settled upon this shape for several reasons: First, it has no inside and no outside; second, it looks like a tuba and I like tubas; and three, it rhymes with Lorus, and we all know how hard he tried to save the trees. If I am correct, then the universe is not 'expanding' in any traditional sense; it is merely growing. This explains all the unsolved mysteries of physics. We as scientists have always viewed the expansion of the universe as resulting from the Big Bang; like an explosion. I do believe that we should change this moniker to the Big Tear in the time continuum. If A: time is infinite and B: time tears, then the torus makes perfect sense, resultant from a tear in the fabric of time. Let us assume for the time being, that 'time' is the primary component of all things. The appearance of quarks, muons and leptons would simply be a function of time. The building blocks of all matter would randomly appear at random times. A tear in the fabric of time would 'allow' multitudes of quarks to appear in the newly formed torus universe. Since there is no inside or outside to the torus, and since it is relatively small, the interaction of muons and leptons and strange quarks would not be the result of a lesser nuclear force, but rather a random certainty, leading to the formation of protons, neutrons etc, then hydrogen etc., etc., etc.. This of course would also eliminate the need for dark matter. The 'attraction' of star to star, galaxy to galaxy, cluster to cluster would not be a function of mass-to-mass gravity, but simply a function of mass relative to time; they are where they're 'supposed' to be at any given point in time. This theory also fuels the imagination with the concept of universes popping up at every tear in the fabric of time, parallel universes up the infinite kazoo. To summarize, the universe can be reduced to three basic components: Time (the balancer), probability (the chaotic), and mass (the entropic) i.e. the Great Triad. This elegant solution will henceforth be referred to as the triadic theory of relativity.

Now that I have solved the mysteries of the universe, let me move on to more earthly issues. Over the past several days, the Vatican has 'verified' the appearance of the virgin Mary to Benoite Rencurel at Laus, France, in the 18th century. I will leave aside, for the moment, two pressing questions. 1. Why does she only appear in western Europe?, and 2. Where has she been for the last hundred years?.

Which leads me to the third secret of Sister Lucy. It was read in 1960 by Pope whoever the 23rd and more recently by JPII, but was not revealed. Through countless hours of tedious research I have discovered the first part of the message. It read, and I quote, "You have eaten way too many hardboiled eggs. The entire population of Fatima is suffering from hallucinations induced by salmonella poisoning. I am not really here".

The second part has only been cryptically revealed by Sister Lucy herself. "....This will be a time of the decisive battle between the Blessed Virgin and the devil. A wave of diabolical disorientation will be hurled over the world............This will be the great apostasy predicted for the 'last times'; 'the False Lamb' and 'False Prophet' will betray the Church to the profit of 'the Beast', according to the prophecy of the Apocalypse".

While I don't like being called a false prophet, and I don't feel like I've betrayed anyone, I still feel the need to defend myself. I was adopted when I was five days old, so I had instant feelings of abandonment. Later in life, I discovered that I was the fourth child in a family of fifteen kids. I learned that my oldest brother was a convicted murderer who had escaped from prison and had not been seen in over twenty years. I learned that my youngest brother has spent several years in prison for bilking old ladies of the social security in the name of god. And I learned that all my other siblings had teeth that grew straight out, sort of a L'il Abner alien sect. Is it any wonder that I'm a little 'off'.

Back to the Fatima fantasy. While trying to determine the cause of multiple temblors in Nevada, scientists enlisted the aid of NASA. Utilizing satellite technology, they performed an ultrasonic imaging of the area affected. Lo and behold, they discovered, deep beneath a celery field near Elko, a titanic battle raging between the devil and the Virgin Mary. She was apparently trying to claw her way back to the surface while the devil had a firm grip on both her ankles. It was noted, in the name of modesty, that she was wrapped in a shower curtain.

This story clearly explains where Mary has been losing her virginity for the last hundred years, but it does not explain her attraction for western Europe. I would suggest that she make a guest appearance in Tennessee, where apparently, 20% of the population has not graduated from high school (this is true). Surely she will find some believers there. If that doesn't work for her, she could always try Texas.

Friday, May 2, 2008


The disappearance of maypoles from the American landscape is cause for grave concern, or should I say, the reason for their disappearance. It is of course , the religious right that is responsible. The maypole is a direct descendant of a Druid ritual. You might think at the outset that the reason the Falwellians are afraid is that they do not want the youth of america cavorting naked around a long, stiff pole. Nothing could be further from the truth. Only a close examination of judeo-christian history reveals the answer.

The maypole of course is a celebration of spring, the planting season, and having sex outside. The truth lies in an examination of other major spring festivals. Passover is the celebration of the exodus, of freedom and spring. It is also the celebration of fresh celery and hardboiled eggs, but that is another story. Easter of course is a celebration of the resurrection, and, lo and behold, spring and rebirth. The bible, old or new, is a collection of great stories, most of which pre-date it, and all of which are pure hooey. Let us begin.

Just after the exodus from Egypt, and the invention of water skiing, the israelites arrived at some hill in the desert, built a campfire, discovered some rocks with pre-Incan engraving, left there by aliens after the construction of the pyramids, worshipped a golden calf (the symbol of outdoor sex in the spring), listened to some bible thumping preacher who told them that god had revealed himself, smashed the rocks, and eventually accepted yiyah (yy) as the true god and started killing anything in their path until they arrived in the land of Mohammed. The druids of course accepted the only worthwhile part of the story, revelled in outdoor sex and invented the maypole. Phase 1 complete.

Let's look at easter. We all know they beat him, cut him and nailed him to a cross, threw him in a rabbit warren and rolled a stone over the door. The rabbits in turn, covered him with a fine linen cloth that Peter (the rabbit, not the father of the pope) had stolen from the cabbage patch, and nursed him back to health. Then they dug a tunnel, through which JC escaped and hightailed it to India, where he became a central figure in the mahabaratah. The druids in turn adopted the only worthwhile part of the story, and adopted the easter bunny (the symbol of prolific outdoor sex) as part of their tradition. Aside: many people believe that the linen in the story went on to become the shroud of turin, but it turns out that it became a shower curtain in a rest stop/gas station in Denton, Texas.

These, of course, are accurate historical facts uncovered through hours and hours of tedious research, and it should be clear at this point why the religious right is so eager to bury them.

The eradication of all druid symbology cannot be far behind. Join me, in tandem with PETA, in the protection of the easter bunny before it is too late. I would also encourage you to make plans for the erection of a maypole next spring, and by all means, have sex in your backyard as often as you can until then. And remember, the 'truth' shall set you free.

(I discovered a slightly different version of the story of easter through a friend of mine after the completion of this essay. He told me that after the rabbits had stolen the future shower curtain and nursed JC back to health, JC himself rolled the stone and emerged from the warren. However, he did not see his shadow and went back to bed for the last six weeks of winter, then went on the lam to India. Needless to say that I will investigate further in the name of truth. I think it also a propos to delve into any possible connection between the the druids and the Punxatawnians)