Monday, September 24, 2012


So, Jesus was married, and I have to assume that the marriage was consummated. So Jesus, unlike his mother, was no virgin. How, in Christ's name, is el Popo gonna spin this one. Sure, it's a 4th century papyrus, so it was probably written concurrently to the Council of Nicea, and might very well be a bit of heretic propaganda. Still, I can't fathom any reason for the author to lie...I mean any more than the Bible does. If only we could figure out who the lucky lady was; that lucky woman who screamed 'Oh God' for the first time, and really meant it. It seems to me that the catholic priesthood can finally unleash its hankering for a piece of ass that isn't at the north end of an altar boy's legs.

But the real point of this piece is scowling. I've heard it said many times that men age better than women, but that is simply not true. 99.9% of the human population age poorly, and it is easily read on their faces. People scowl, and you may claim that it's the result of that 'quiet desperation' thing, but I would argue that it's because they are flat out miserable; a misery created by the LIFE we choose to accept as normal; a LIFE shaped by outdated beliefs and paradigms (allow me to make it clear...that I am referring to god, work, sex, and marriage).

Little kids smile all the time, which leads me to believe that smiling is the most natural facial expression in our repertoire. My father always said that a smile requires fewer facial muscles than not smiling; that a smile is the more relaxed state; that stern, sullen, angry require our faces to work much harder. Kids smile in response to both internal and external stimuli. Adults, most often, smile only in response to the external; that phony, concocted 'it's so good to see you' thing. Adults look to others for a reason to smile. Kids  do not. Kids wear their smiles, and share them willingly. So, it logically follows that, as parents, trying to prepare our children for LIFE, we teach the smiles right out of them. This, if you accept my argument, makes most of us very bad parents.

That kid who shot up the movie theater in Colorado lost his smile. Yeah, I know, you think that is not a good enough reason, but, if I may gently point out, it is our fault. It isn't LIFE that stole his is us, and because of that, he deserves our forgiveness, our compassion, our apologies. We surrounded him with our collective misery, and our insistence on living lives that lead to misery. Collectively, we expect our children to live under the bell curve umbrella of strength. We expect our kids to be able to withstand the misery, to be strong enough, and we paint those who can't as either mentally ill, or the devil incarnate. We should forgive him. He deserves forgiveness. We do not. We perpetuate a LIFE in which we breed misery, and we all deal with it in our own way. Most scowl. Some shoot up movie theaters. All part of being human; human beyond the constraints we impose, human beyond the scope of our very, limited normal.

I imagine Jesus was smiling when he shot his first load into his wife, because sexing is an inherently joyous act. It takes a lot of work to kill the joy in sexing. Sex is certainly more joyous than buying a new Lexus, going to work, believing in god, or getting married. In each of these instances, there is a search for joy from the external. Joy resides within. It resided within you before you gave up on it.

I am also certain, that given the hard work of being a messiah, and the enormous pressure from his father to succeed, Jesus quickly lost the joy, and settled into the ennui of a good brisket at Rosh Hashanah. Likely the first son of god to utter the words...'not tonight, milk and honey...I have a headache'.

We build our lives on a foundation of straw, and upon that straw, we stack our acquisitions, and as we amass all those things we believe will make us happy, the weight of the whole pile of shit crushes our foundation, until all that is left is debilitating misery. This is what we commonly refer to as life, and that is the legacy we offer our children. Long ago, humanity accepted that puritanical, work ethic definition of life; that happiness comes from working hard, and having what the other guy has. It should be clear to you by now...before you grow old...that there can be no happiness without joy; there is no benefit to work, marriage, or praying without joy; a life without joy does not lead to happiness, it leads to inevitable disappointment, inevitable misery.

That chimp gene has probably screwed us forever. If only the bonobo had reigned supreme in the human gene pool. And now, we are only left with one real choice. Go fuck, or go fuck yourself. Oh god, YESSSSSSSSS.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Non Sequiturs

A few weeks ago, the LM and I went to a Patriots' exhibition game, where I was promptly introduced to two men who have profoundly changed my outlook on everything...the man with the orange sleeves, and the man in the green hat. Prior to my introduction, I had previously believed that the economic structure of Planet Earth was merely misguided. Now, however, I have come to believe that not only is it flawed by its adherence to outdated paradigms, it is completely fucked. You see, while the two men are irrevocably linked in their vocations by economic necessity, that there vocations exist at all is spectacularly mind-blowing. The man in the green hat is not the man in the orange sleeve's boss, but he does let him know when he must perform his job. Who it is that tells the man in the green hat when to do his remains a mystery, anonymously connected through headphones. So, what do they do you ask? Within the current-flow of ethereal information, some unknown entity tells the man in the green hat that a TV timeout is pending, and presumably gives him a countdown. When blastoff occurs, he informs the man in the orange sleeves that  it is his time to shine, at which point, the man in the orange sleeves crosses his orange clad sleeves across his chest (I did note that,on occasion, in a pique of apparent laziness, or perhaps the ennui of an incredibly exciting career, he would allow one arm to rest peacefully at his side), signifying to all on-field personnel that their professions were temporarily suspended in the interests of public educational advertisements.Following my introduction to these two titans of free enterprise, I did watch a football game (American football, Andy), yet I found myself involuntarily drawn into overly frequent 'Where's Waldo?' moments, perusing the sidelines to locate my new-found heroes. I will be forever grateful to the moguls of the NFL, for considering my amusement in their hiring of these two fine gentlemen.

It strikes me that Radiance is an incredibly odd name for a tampon.

And speaking of paradigms, perception, and political correctness, I have decided (with thanks to the nun) that it is perfectly acceptable to stare at a woman's breasts. Women have them, men like them, and the behavior is no less natural than a gorilla thumping his chest in recognition of a female in estrus, or puking in the commode after excessive consumption of gin (there's a dangling something in this sentence, but I don't care because it makes me laugh). Besides, the womens' movement has gone nowhere, if not backwards in the last 30 years. Just stand in a supermarket and watch the moms teaching their daughters to be 'good little shoppers'. Which leads me to my real point. We, as in collective humanity, have accepted nearly all the external paradigms in our lives. For instance, we accept that there is no stability without a national leader. I have long held the belief that the president of any nation does absolutely nothing, as I watch all those surrounding me, believing that the outcome of an election holds sway over the future. This, in the words of an old friend, is pure piffle. The president's sole function is to make us feel better, or worse. You cannot seriously believe that Barack Obama views the world outside the purview of what has always been. There are countries, and economic interests, national defense concerns, and blatant national aggression, and, of course, the religious right. This is the way it has always been. We teach it to our children. Imagine for a moment, a world with no nationalism or religion. Go ahead, tell me...what would we fight about? The wisest words I have heard in a long time are these (and I paraphrase)...The greatest enemy of religion is belief. Truth be told, the entire history of mankind emanates entirely from the purposeful perpetuation of past belief. We have always chosen to believe what was; never what could be. And that is why we are always fucked. That is why we tell our children that they could grow up to be President of the United States. Why not offer the alternatives. Why not offer them the possibility that the world would still exist without a United States; that they might offer a better alternative to blind jingoism and national interests.We look to the past and it's accomplishments for greatness because it has happened, and carries no part of what we fear most---UNCERTAINTY---which of course is the most prevalent constant of life.

It strikes me that what doesn't kill you, does not necessarily make you stronger.

And Curiosity has landed on Mars, and is doing some amazing things, yet most people want to talk about Mitt Romney, who has not done anything, so is thereby fully prepared to be president. I am certain that there are more useless human beings, but he is the most public of the lot. And why does he always walk around like he has a rabbit (and I don't mean the mammal) stuck up his ass? He has no right to wear jeans. Which brings me to Barack Obama. He is a well-intentioned, good and intelligent man. I like him even though he is fully wrong. There is no middle class to resurrect, and no industry in the USA which is capable of sustaining one. I can only have so many mini-marts.As computers emerge as the smartest entities on this planet, the world is in full reconstruction mode, and the old school just cannot see it. I know where I would like it to go, but that will not happen, as the Occupy movement has demonstrated; as it is firmly planted and growing on the sod of an outdated paradigm...capitalism.

Have I told you lately that I love you?

Perhaps, if we could simply accept and embrace the uncertainty, we could stop walking around with those bitter, sullen faces? Quiet desperation? There is nothing quiet about it. We have simply lost the imagination to hear it.

Cunt is a perfectly good word. So is Love. Although it might be time for us to learn the difference.

Bon Nuit