Friday, May 2, 2008


The disappearance of maypoles from the American landscape is cause for grave concern, or should I say, the reason for their disappearance. It is of course , the religious right that is responsible. The maypole is a direct descendant of a Druid ritual. You might think at the outset that the reason the Falwellians are afraid is that they do not want the youth of america cavorting naked around a long, stiff pole. Nothing could be further from the truth. Only a close examination of judeo-christian history reveals the answer.

The maypole of course is a celebration of spring, the planting season, and having sex outside. The truth lies in an examination of other major spring festivals. Passover is the celebration of the exodus, of freedom and spring. It is also the celebration of fresh celery and hardboiled eggs, but that is another story. Easter of course is a celebration of the resurrection, and, lo and behold, spring and rebirth. The bible, old or new, is a collection of great stories, most of which pre-date it, and all of which are pure hooey. Let us begin.

Just after the exodus from Egypt, and the invention of water skiing, the israelites arrived at some hill in the desert, built a campfire, discovered some rocks with pre-Incan engraving, left there by aliens after the construction of the pyramids, worshipped a golden calf (the symbol of outdoor sex in the spring), listened to some bible thumping preacher who told them that god had revealed himself, smashed the rocks, and eventually accepted yiyah (yy) as the true god and started killing anything in their path until they arrived in the land of Mohammed. The druids of course accepted the only worthwhile part of the story, revelled in outdoor sex and invented the maypole. Phase 1 complete.

Let's look at easter. We all know they beat him, cut him and nailed him to a cross, threw him in a rabbit warren and rolled a stone over the door. The rabbits in turn, covered him with a fine linen cloth that Peter (the rabbit, not the father of the pope) had stolen from the cabbage patch, and nursed him back to health. Then they dug a tunnel, through which JC escaped and hightailed it to India, where he became a central figure in the mahabaratah. The druids in turn adopted the only worthwhile part of the story, and adopted the easter bunny (the symbol of prolific outdoor sex) as part of their tradition. Aside: many people believe that the linen in the story went on to become the shroud of turin, but it turns out that it became a shower curtain in a rest stop/gas station in Denton, Texas.

These, of course, are accurate historical facts uncovered through hours and hours of tedious research, and it should be clear at this point why the religious right is so eager to bury them.

The eradication of all druid symbology cannot be far behind. Join me, in tandem with PETA, in the protection of the easter bunny before it is too late. I would also encourage you to make plans for the erection of a maypole next spring, and by all means, have sex in your backyard as often as you can until then. And remember, the 'truth' shall set you free.

(I discovered a slightly different version of the story of easter through a friend of mine after the completion of this essay. He told me that after the rabbits had stolen the future shower curtain and nursed JC back to health, JC himself rolled the stone and emerged from the warren. However, he did not see his shadow and went back to bed for the last six weeks of winter, then went on the lam to India. Needless to say that I will investigate further in the name of truth. I think it also a propos to delve into any possible connection between the the druids and the Punxatawnians)


PENolan said...

Guess What - I went to college at North Texas State in Denton, Texas before I moved on to Austin. At the time, it was one of Playboy's Top Ten Party Schools and home to more Miss Texases than any other college. Another distinction -- home to Dr. Frank N. Furter in Rocky Horror Picture Show. Now we know all this came from being home to Christ's Shower Curtain. No wonder I was able to get in touch with my Wild Druid Roots.

Anonymous said...

Well, the story was finely written but already known by everyone, I think.

What's much more interesting is the story of 'the celebration of fresh celery and hardboiled eggs' which I know nothing about. Please do another post to bring me up to date with this potentially fascinating tale.

p.s. I like both celery and hardboiled eggs so this story is of particular interest.