Ice cream

I was all ready this morning to instigate a national protest regarding the size reduction of ice cream containers. I mean it costs the same, but its got less ice cream. Edy's even went so far as to change the dimensions of the container, undoubtedly in an attempt to deceive us. But I can't be mad about it anymore. The world is full of great news today.

A heinous terrorist plot was uncovered in Pennsylvania yesterday. Authorities are still trying to tie up all the loose ends, but I will tell you what I know. The plot is definitively of national scope and scale. We should all put our hands together for the postal employees of Mohnton, PA..

National security authorities have long suspected that the current ant infestation in Houston was linked to a terrorist cell in Taiwan. Through the use of cellphone monitoring, and other really cool high tech gizmos, authorities have long known that al-Qaeda and other terrorist groups have given up on more traditional activities i.e. flying planes into buildings, suitcase nuclear devices and biological water contamination, and have determined that the proper path to follow involves disrupting the US economy.

It all begins in Houston in 2002. Early that September, The Hashish of the American Infidel, a cargo ship of Liberian registry, docked at pier 37c at the port of Houston. A crew member, later identified as Abdul el Bulbul Amir, left the ship with three large breeding colonies of 'crazy, rasberry ants' concealed in his suitcase. He released the first colony at the airport, a hub for many major airlines. The second colony was released near NASA. The third, concealed in a plastic water bottle (red, I think) and accidentally dropped by Amir, was picked up by a travelling Mariachi band who threw it out the car window when they discovered it was full of ants. The 'crazy rasberry ants', like all other ants, are drawn to high tech electrical wiring. It was believed that if they could infiltrate the electronic systems at the Houston airport, that the travel industry would be disabled. The theory of the NASA infestation was that if they could disable the electronics there, then what little is left of the american imagination could be eradicated. The third accidental release bore consequences so dire that they must be left for later.

The 'crazy rasberry ants' have not accomplished their mission as of yet. However, they have created collateral problems. The ants, which now number in the billions, have managed to shut down several sewage treatment plants, disable numerous home electrical meters, and disrupted satellite TV reception in a five county area. Since, as of yet, there is no known way to eliminate the pests, NASA and the airlines are extremely worried about future problems. They have also inflicted great damage to the regions agriculture, eating everything in their path. The unfortunate consequence of the accidental release, is that the ants devour the offspring of the beloved, and already endangered, state bird of east Texas, the Attwater's prairie chicken. The survival of the species is in grave doubt.

The second part of the plot was stopped dead in its tracks by alert postal workers in Pennsylvania, when they interrupted the shipment of several packages containing 26 mating pairs of rhinoceros, Goliath and Hercules beetles. These beetles, 5-6 inches across, can be devastating to fruit and vegetable crops, as well as turf grasses. They have also been known to devour small children. Part of the original plan was to denude the playing fields of Pennsylvania, thereby interrupting the quarterback crop for the NFL for generations to come.

It is unknown at this time whether the third segment of the plot came to fruition. The plan was to salt preying mantis grounds in New England and the midwest with fertility drugs. It remains a mystery as to what was intended here, but I can tell you categorically that I, for one, am terrified by the praying mantis.

So, rest easy, america, your hard earned tax dollars, and the bureaucracies they support, have ensured once again that our great country, and our great people will survive for years to come.
Maybe I don't need to seek the presidency after all.