The secrets of the universe, fatima, celery and hardboiled eggs

Good morning to all. Today's essay is on a subject dear to my heart because it has a lot to do with me, but the path to the end of the story will have many forks. So read slowly and carefully.

As I mentioned before, the boundary of the known universe has always fascinated me. If the universe is indeed expanding, what is it expanding into? My standard answer prior to today was that it was expanding into nothing, but I have changed my mind. While pondering this question recently, I do believe that with ten minutes of wavering concentration, I have stumbled upon the answer to everything. The Grand Unified Theory awaits your perusal.

The universe is a Torus. I settled upon this shape for several reasons: First, it has no inside and no outside; second, it looks like a tuba and I like tubas; and three, it rhymes with Lorus, and we all know how hard he tried to save the trees. If I am correct, then the universe is not 'expanding' in any traditional sense; it is merely growing. This explains all the unsolved mysteries of physics. We as scientists have always viewed the expansion of the universe as resulting from the Big Bang; like an explosion. I do believe that we should change this moniker to the Big Tear in the time continuum. If A: time is infinite and B: time tears, then the torus makes perfect sense, resultant from a tear in the fabric of time. Let us assume for the time being, that 'time' is the primary component of all things. The appearance of quarks, muons and leptons would simply be a function of time. The building blocks of all matter would randomly appear at random times. A tear in the fabric of time would 'allow' multitudes of quarks to appear in the newly formed torus universe. Since there is no inside or outside to the torus, and since it is relatively small, the interaction of muons and leptons and strange quarks would not be the result of a lesser nuclear force, but rather a random certainty, leading to the formation of protons, neutrons etc, then hydrogen etc., etc., etc.. This of course would also eliminate the need for dark matter. The 'attraction' of star to star, galaxy to galaxy, cluster to cluster would not be a function of mass-to-mass gravity, but simply a function of mass relative to time; they are where they're 'supposed' to be at any given point in time. This theory also fuels the imagination with the concept of universes popping up at every tear in the fabric of time, parallel universes up the infinite kazoo. To summarize, the universe can be reduced to three basic components: Time (the balancer), probability (the chaotic), and mass (the entropic) i.e. the Great Triad. This elegant solution will henceforth be referred to as the triadic theory of relativity.

Now that I have solved the mysteries of the universe, let me move on to more earthly issues. Over the past several days, the Vatican has 'verified' the appearance of the virgin Mary to Benoite Rencurel at Laus, France, in the 18th century. I will leave aside, for the moment, two pressing questions. 1. Why does she only appear in western Europe?, and 2. Where has she been for the last hundred years?.

Which leads me to the third secret of Sister Lucy. It was read in 1960 by Pope whoever the 23rd and more recently by JPII, but was not revealed. Through countless hours of tedious research I have discovered the first part of the message. It read, and I quote, "You have eaten way too many hardboiled eggs. The entire population of Fatima is suffering from hallucinations induced by salmonella poisoning. I am not really here".

The second part has only been cryptically revealed by Sister Lucy herself. "....This will be a time of the decisive battle between the Blessed Virgin and the devil. A wave of diabolical disorientation will be hurled over the world............This will be the great apostasy predicted for the 'last times'; 'the False Lamb' and 'False Prophet' will betray the Church to the profit of 'the Beast', according to the prophecy of the Apocalypse".

While I don't like being called a false prophet, and I don't feel like I've betrayed anyone, I still feel the need to defend myself. I was adopted when I was five days old, so I had instant feelings of abandonment. Later in life, I discovered that I was the fourth child in a family of fifteen kids. I learned that my oldest brother was a convicted murderer who had escaped from prison and had not been seen in over twenty years. I learned that my youngest brother has spent several years in prison for bilking old ladies of the social security in the name of god. And I learned that all my other siblings had teeth that grew straight out, sort of a L'il Abner alien sect. Is it any wonder that I'm a little 'off'.

Back to the Fatima fantasy. While trying to determine the cause of multiple temblors in Nevada, scientists enlisted the aid of NASA. Utilizing satellite technology, they performed an ultrasonic imaging of the area affected. Lo and behold, they discovered, deep beneath a celery field near Elko, a titanic battle raging between the devil and the Virgin Mary. She was apparently trying to claw her way back to the surface while the devil had a firm grip on both her ankles. It was noted, in the name of modesty, that she was wrapped in a shower curtain.

This story clearly explains where Mary has been losing her virginity for the last hundred years, but it does not explain her attraction for western Europe. I would suggest that she make a guest appearance in Tennessee, where apparently, 20% of the population has not graduated from high school (this is true). Surely she will find some believers there. If that doesn't work for her, she could always try Texas.