Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Mirrors, or internet dating advice for the getting older crowd

I admit that when I look in the mirror each morning, I see a face not all that different than the eighteen year old version, although I wasn't balding, flabby, grey or wrinkled, and I didn't have hair growing out my ears and nose, but, I think I've aged fairly well considering all the drugs, cigarettes and scotch I have consumed. I think, however, that I represent myself fairly accurately, at least according to my mood of the moment.

Surely any idiot is aware that the internet was designed as a tool for deception, and internet dating is surely one of the symptoms. Not since we were told that tomatoes are good for you, has a lie of greater magnitude been foisted upon the public. Of course I refer to the phrase 'a few extra pounds'. This phrase would be suitably used if we were talking about a dating service for large pachyderms, but we are talking about humans here. As an example, say as a young woman you stood 5'7" tall and weighed in at 140 pounds. Normal enough, eh? Well, let's say you shrunk an inch and now weigh 275 pounds, most of it below your waist. No matter what sort of expensive mirror you now own, this cannot be represented as 'a few extra pounds'. This is FAT, HUGE, OBESE, UNSIGHTLY. This should not be squeezed into a bikini under any circumstances. I mean, you wouldn't put a bikini on an eggplant, would you? I mean, we're talking about a piano crate for a casket here.

And men, what in god's name makes you think anybody wants to see a picture of your wrinkly old cock and balls. More power to you if you haven't stressed out to the point where your erection is medicated, but come on. I mean the thing looks like Squidward at this point. You shouldn't even be looking at it, with or without a mirror, let alone taking self portraits.

Every single dating profile, male or female, says the same damn thing. 'Would prefer someone with a sense of humor'; 'Honesty is a must'; 'would like someone with similar interests'. Call me crazy, but is anyone out there looking for a fat, humorless liar with no common interests?

Last notes from home: If you want honesty, start with your self. Divorce didn't just happen to you, you had some part to play. If you're a bitch, say you're a bitch. If you're a cheating asshole, admit it. Describe what you think is funny. I mean I can make anybody laugh, but they might think I'm revolting at the same time. So, back to honest self-evaluation. I'm not talking about admitting that you have a small penis here. I'm not talking about admitting you last gave head 33 years ago. I'm just saying admit the good and the bad, describe what you like and do not like, specifically. And lastly, look outside the box. Expand your boundaries a little. South Dakota is a great place to look as far as I'm concerned.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

...(te he!)

Fallen angel said...

All comments are welcomed at this site, but te!he!(s) must be confined to private emails

Anonymous said...

Ha, ha, ha!

Gail said...

third try, I think this is your best.
love,
Viola