Sunday, July 27, 2008

For Gail

I have discovered today, disturbingly, that my sister-in-law equates slapping someone with loving someone. That she is possessed of such violent tendencies is disturbing enough, but to realize that she is made of such contradictory parts is more disturbing still. I have always seen her as a very simple person, revelling in the basic simple pleasures of life and love. Now, I have always been a person who is willing to allow others to live their lives as they wish, but I am also a golden rule type of guy, and no one I have ever met wants to be slapped.

During our conversation, she also revealed to me that even the purely evil person has a place and a purpose in the grand scheme of things, and is graced with some redeeming quality. This of course is pure hooey. There are people who just plain don't deserve to live.

Now, I am not a person who believes that it is my place to straighten other people out. So, I didn't really feel any need to force my belief system upon her. Although I did tell her that if she ever slapped me, I would knock her out.

While I firmly believe that no one likes to be slapped, I also innately know that no one willingly gets nailed to a cross. This knowledge was reinforced by a myriad of entertaining Jesus radio shows airing across America. My favorite came out of Denver. Davey Detective (I can't recall his actual name, but he was clearly an incarnation of Davey, of that brilliant claymation show, Davey and Goliath). Davey is transported to the crucifixion by something akin to the wayback machine. He drizzles and drazzles into the lives of Mary, and Barabas and Herod, sasses Pontius Pilate without ramification, until he discovers why it was such a good thing that Jesus chose to die such a painful death. I'm no biblical scholar, and I was unaware that Jesus reappeared to several of his disciples and to Davey, as well as to someone named Norman, post resurrection, but I was amazed at all the nice things he told them before ascension. As much as this story filled me with laughter and ecstatic reverence, the pursuant revelation of the truth brought me more heightened reverie.

To illustrate, I will provide quotes from the Gospel according to Norman, recently discovered amongst the ancient texts of the Great Triad.

(To Peter)

"You fucking fish-fucking asshole. You were supposed to be my friend. Do thoust have any idea how much that hurt, driving nails into my hands and legs? And those fuckin thorns, they hurt like hell too. And then, instead of you sticking around to watch my back, you let them hang me out there on that sun drenched hill, for all the world to laugh at my small penis, barely peeking out from my loincloth.
And then Jesus slapped Peter and said 'I love you too'."

(To Mary)

"You fucking, sperm burping little bitch. My grail grows within your womb, if it's even my kid, you fuckin slut. You knewest that I was addicted to opium, knew that I was incapable of a rational decision, yet you let me carry on with that lunacy.

And Jesus slapped Mary and said 'I love you too, you fuckin tramp'."

(To his father)

"Fuck you, Daddy. FUCK YOU!!!!! Why have you forsaken me? Forsaken, my ass. You let them drive nails into me; you let them humiliate me. And for what? A little world domination? You're just like all the rest--a power hungry greedy little god, you impotent fuck.

And Jesus slapped God and said 'I love you too, motherfucker'."

We have all been told that Jesus is Love, and it is clear from this recently discovered Gospel, that Jesus slapped as an expression of love. I guess my sister-in-law might be on to something.

I learned during my recent vision quest, that wrestling is an effective means of getting closer to the godhead. According to the Kabballists, god exploded his all encompassing self, and fragmented himself, to allow room in the universe for his perfect creation. This was accompanied by a loud slap in the face of god himself. Who am I to argue with god? Who am I to not humble myself to the current state of grace I now find myself in? Who am I?

Go ahead, show me the love. Slap me silly, sister.

9 comments:

Gail said...

Oh my, I am laughing out loud at your ability to "spin" the concept. I also know there is no graceful way out of this. I do appreciate the comparison to Jesus though. Amen. I am honored you wrote about me. Embarrassed and honored. I look forward to a high energy loving conversation using our hands as well as our words. No pain? No gain. heehee
I struggled with the Jesus quotes, only because Jesus is part or my armor......has been for as long as I can recall. Dolan agrees with everything you are thinking right now.
"thank you" for being you and also for loving me enough and knowing me well enough to make fun of me on the "WORLD-WIDE-WEB"!! :-)
Love,
your "slap-happy" sister, Gail

Fallen angel said...

I do love you, sis

Anonymous said...

Surely this is too personal a thing to be posting on the WWW? But, as long as Gail agrees, then I guess it's OK.

Thank God (with or without the slap) for the text from Norman. I had heard about this but thought that his name was Nigel. Guess I was wrong. Still, it was about time someone actually posted it. Jesus was, obviously, a very loving person. Now I'm going to try this slapping technique out on my loved ones and see where it gets me.

Wish me luck as I may have to make many explanations. Let's hope I can explain before they get too annoyed with me.

Gail said...

Hello Andy,
my new contact via "fallen angel".....I felt like we were waiting together for his return, weird huh? Not creepy weird though, eesh. :-) So, on the love-slap thing as a means to communicate strongly, emotionally, lovingly, intensely... you really got to know what you are doing, ok? I also don't have a name for it, can't find one that makes sense. I went to work today and shared the 'concept' w/two female co-workers of varying ages. They immediately "got it", understood the what, how, why, and intention and meaning. Together we could not come up with a name. So listen, it is like you feel emotions and you say stuff but it's meaning is lost unless there is contact so you kinda 'swing-slap' and grab a bit and move in towards and nestle and grab on and then pull back and swing-slap again and kind of repeat all the afore mentioned steps. As I re-read it I am laughing out loud at how ridiculous it sounds, Good Lord!!!! Sometimes NO words are necessary and you can begin with a person you love and they will get in physical motion without hesitation...swinging and grabbing on and nestling and pulling and quick slaps too brief to really feel, but you do and it is amazing.

And, you liked the Norman Jesus quotes. You are weird. Oh, like I am not weird, Huh!! :-)

I hope this helps with your explanations to those you love and have begun to slap. :-) Wow did this take on a life of it's own that I never thought it would. Too, too funny. I will look forward to hearing how it goes.
peace.
Gail

Fallen angel said...

It should be plain to all ath this point that there is no explaining away a propensity for violence.

'You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out, you put your right foot in and then you slap your love around!!!!

Gail said...

I know....I know............I know........... I said earlier that there is no graceful way out of this and I also knew, and knew clearly that any explanation would further re-enforce the exact opposite of my intention...I am laughing SO loud I can't breathe.and I might add that were you and I to be having this chat face to face it would CLEARLY be an EXCELLENT opportunity for us to have a powerful interaction of "physical words" - loving physical words. Again, I am burying myself here. Oh my. Oh my oh my oh my............and sigh...............
Love,
and the ability to express physical words for all..........
Gail

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to give you two an update. Sorry for the very slow typing but my fingers were slightly damaged by the hammer blow. In fact they were broken and I'm finding it difficult to type.

You will be pleased to know that the bruise around my eye is now a rather fetching shade of yellow which, of course, means it's healing nicely.

The Doc says that I will be fine in a few weeks.

I think that my partner loves me after all!

Gail said...

Andy?

Did you try the "physical words" approach and it went badly?

Keep healing,

Gail
peace.........

Anonymous said...

Well...yes...but I thought it had gone fine. Do you mean that I'm not supposed to have broken fingers and bruises??????