My Ego in Full Bloom, or why drugs are good for you

It was reported yesterday that a study at Johns Hopkins found long term benefits from the use of psychedelic drugs. This fully explains why I turned out to be such an incredible person. The study was confined to the drug psilocybin, but I see no reason not to include peyote, LSD, and mescaline.

When I was a very young child, my mother and father sat me down and explained to me that psychedelics have been used for centuries in religious ceremonies, and that it was part of human nature to get high. My father, who frequently invited Jehovah's Witnesses in for tea and cookies, explained to me that Jesus started out as a simple pothead, but moved on to opium before deeming himself the son of god. The drug of choice at the Temple Mount was mescaline and the high priests had him crucified as a ne'er-do-well junkie. As Jews, he told me, we have been aware of this for generations. This was verified in Bill and Ted's Psychedelic Adventure, which was unfortunately lost and thus, never released. But I stray.

The study reported that many of the volunteers still felt more grounded and centered many years later; still felt ' a moderate well-being or life satisfaction, in terms of things like feeling more creative, self-confident, flexible and optimistic'. The study also reported 'lasting gains in being more sensitive, tolerant, loving and compassionate'. This, of course, is me in a nutshell.
Since I know that I am one of the finest human beings on the face of the earth, I now stand as a shining example, a poster boy so to speak, of the benefits of psychedelic (and occasionally, psychotropic) drug use. It is high time that all drugs be legalized, for the benefit of mankind.

(I'm not supposed to be telling you this, but I am currently reclining in a tent, no ordinary tent, one of those beautiful tents with a big centerpost with a flag on the top, orange like oranges, red like fresh blood, green like envy, purple like catholic, white like light, lined with yak and goat skins, replete with fresh figs and dates and dark coffee, somewhere near the Afghan-Pakistan border, awaiting the arrival of Barack Obama and Osama bin Laden. I am here under the auspices of the United Nations and the CIA, to arbitrate an end to terrorism. I have brought boxes and boxes of 'magic mushrooms' and fully anticipate a lasting solution. I seem to be speaking fluent Arabic, even though I have no actual training. Hey, what can I tell you. I started early. Salaam Aleikum)