Friday, September 5, 2008

Don't Believe What You Think or, An Open Post to my Six or Seven Readers

There have been many events this past week that have led me to ponder the synchronicities of the life force. We all make choices, and despite the teachings of my sister-in-law, they have nothing to do with Lesser or Glasser (or whoever he is); nothing to do with love, power, fun and freedom. (My apologies to Gail, as I know I'm treading on thin ice, and I'm not wanting to single her out).

But it has become clear to me that choices are part of a much bigger picture; they are not strictly about each of us as individuals. Choice is a collective-an interconnectivity of humanity that eludes conscious thought, or even unconscious thought.

Choice, real choice, requires truth, and truth is universal. Our inability to comprehend the universal holds us back from seeing the truth. We view everything in a very individual, narrow bandwidth. We require of ourselves the creation of a palpable frame of reference. And that space is altered by that which we carry, and that which we allow in. Just think about this often uttered phrase: "I've made it part of my truth".

Fact is, truth is not something that we can own. Truth is the single most untenable reality. Truth exists in the chaos, in pure form, but is only observable through our altering frames of reference.
My truth is not your truth, so it is by definition, not truth at all. It is the single hardest thing for us to accept-that the 'what I know' reality is internal to each of us. Truth is external, and can only be shared by the collective without our consent. We share our 'truths' with each other, but we innately carry the realization that for everyone else, our 'truths' are false.

I am not going to get on my soapbox, and pretend that I know what truth is. I don't. So, I am left, by choice, to offer up my little blurbs without rules. They are only food for thought. There is no pain in this choice. The space of this choice is filled with fun. I only offer the choice for you to love yourself through my eyes. And as for power, I only offer you the choice to seek your own powerful falsehoods, and the power to let it flow toward the universal truth. And I offer the freedom to accept or deny.

I do not mean to imply that our choices do not carry truth, but it is undetectable and unalterable, beyond our comprehension. Our first choice is to emerge, followed closely by the choice to breathe in the weakened aftermath of emergence. Our final choice is to exit, and that may come at any time. In between, I don't know. We each play the game by our own rules.

I do know one thing. That the truth that is carried in our individual choices binds us in a single unity. Each choice we make binds us together as a single entity, and resistance is futile. We choose, through our make-believe little truths, to accept the conjugation of a single human spirit. What we choose affects everyone else, and no matter how dimly we see that, we all know it.

Several people have told me that my words are powerful, and that I should use them carefully. Pshaw! It is not the words that are powerful, it is the choice to utter them, and they will affect those that read them, and those that do not, through my choice, not through their definition. We do matter in the grand scheme of things, because the choices we each make individually, bind us together in a human singularity, held together by the truth we do not comprehend, yet always seek.

My own 'truth' is no bigger or better than yours, but there are parts of it that I need to share today. Some of you may choose to depart after you read them. I don't know. But thanks for visiting.

I, like you, have constructed my own frame of reference. It's foundation is constructed of fun, and holds no space for the burden of pain. It's walls are made of paper, thin and delicate, and easily torn. It's windows however, are built with my eyes, and the light that enters and exits through them, is filled with clarity and doubt, joy and despair, love and hate, acceptance and rejection, even honesty and falsehood. Many of you accept what you see without reservation; accept others' statements at face value. I have far more filters. I look at light from many different angles, fragment my light through many different prisms, and much of what has transpired here lately shines false.

I cannot fully believe in the jenna saga. The compassionate prism is allowing her light in because her story evokes in me a shared sadness. The sympathetic prism is allowing others to buy into it, to support her and console her. But there is a certain polish and wisdom in her light that cannot pass through my other prisms. I do not believe that she is only sixteen. I entertain the possibility that this is just a game she is playing in the internet ether. I have also mulled the possibility that she is just out of her fucking mind And I have considered deeply, that she is sharing her 'truth', and allowed her light to pass through my sadness prism. But this 'big, old fart' needs a lot more of the 'skinny'.

The truth shall indeed set you free, but it will not let go easily. Until we accept, and revel in, the space given by the collective human spirit, the connectivity of all, it will be very hard to grab a hold of it.


Anonymous said...


Gail said...

Hi F A

Thank you for putting my blog on your list. I feel good about that. I think I am blushing. What's that all about?

I have a lot to say about this post. I wont though.

And jenna? i think she is for real. Something rings true in a memory place within me of similar times. It would be hard for any of your filters/prisms to filter accurately or at all for that matter. You have no reference for, dare I say, her 'truth'. I just ducked! :-)

Again, thank you for listing me. It means a lot F A.

I wrote an email with lots of "skinny". I have it saved. Let me know when you are ready to receive it.


PENolan said...

And me - I'm just a lawn mower.

Anonymous said...

where is jenna now

i would like to know

Fallen angel said...

Dear Anonymous,

Jenna is always welcome here. It is entirely her choice. I care about her.

Anonymous said...

fallen angel it is jenna

i guess you think i am full of shit
i am not
and i am not out of my fucking mind either i know crap about light and prisms and how that is suppose to work
everyone plays a game on the internet you do too you big old fart
so does andy and gail and maybe 't'
and the other anonymous too
why am i so different to you why am i in trouble with you
i saw you wrote you care but that is different than what you wrote in the story
i dont want anything from any of you
i just felt safe here
you wrote about needing more skinny you mean information

i am almost 17
my mom is sick not the dieing soon sick she has lupus
her third husband and my second step father is a prick
he is loaded and pays for everything
if i can hide enough i can make it until i go to college the year after next
i worked for him this summer at his business
i did go out with some of his associates
he didn't make me he didn't stop me
i did fuck a couple of them and he knew and didnt care
when he is home and he drinks i hide
he slobbers all over me he pushes and hits and is a hair puller if he catches me
what other skinny you need
my full mane
jenna wilson

my location newport RI

my interests swimming horses dance

friends only a couple too hard to have lots i have too many secrets to keep

college hopeful choices NYU Columbia far enough but close enough to see mom

email just ask

skinny enough for you

i want to tell you to just go fuck yourself
i will just go fuck yourself

so if you want me to just stay away just say so

i am in your house so its your rules not mine i know that order all too well


Anonymous said...

welcome back, jenna.

you are safe here.

come and go as you wish.

Anonymous said...


I bet you feel much better now that you've got all that off your chest, don't you?

Fallen angel said...

To All,

I have never been afraid to be wrong, and I'm not gonna start now.

Yes, I do feel better. It was hard to know what to say in the absence of clarity. I needed to have it, and I make no apology.


I want you to stay jenna and see the concern I feel hidden behind your hurt.

You are sadly in a precarious situation, that only you can escape from. You have made many choices, and I can't say whether they are good or bad. I do know that you have many more to make, and I don't think you should put them off for two years. It is impossible to grow when you are hiding. I do however, believe that you will grow into the woman you want to be. You are welcome to feel safe here until you find a way to step out and live. And as much as I think you need to find a friend to talk face-to-face with, I don't think you will escape until you realize that you have to be your own best friend sometimes.

As for singling you out, I am sorry for that, but know that it was more from wanting to find answers for you that I don't have. I like happy endings, jenna, and I hope you find one.

Anonymous said...

fallen angel it is jenna
happy endings
i like those too
i am tough and i hear your sayings
i feel good to have a place here
i can relax i wanted to answer your answer
i dont have much to say right now
i will be around to see you
and i will find the answers i need
you dont need to know my questions
even though i think you somehow do
thank you fallen angel
i am going to spend time with a real life friend today