J'accuse

Jeremiah was a bullfrog, and while I didn't know him, I'm fairly certain he wouldn't see me as dangerous. Yet, here I stand before you, recently accused of being dangerous.

Doc Holliday was dangerous. Ingesting copious amounts of whiskey and laudanum, while wearing several concealed handguns does not promote a safe environment. Mixing poker and money into the equation, bad idea. In any event, I am certainly not Doc Holliday dangerous.

I might scare people sometimes. I think Gail was genuinely afraid when she was thinking that I might be stupid enough to jump off that Ohio bridge.

Hanging around with Jesus was dangerous, but as far as I know, I am not wanted for fomenting rebellion against all things roman. There is no bounty on my head. I'm not significant enough.

I have been many things in my life. I've spent time playing several evil roles. There have been times when I was so paralyzed with insecurity that I fabricated things about myself. I am a repeat drunk driving offender, although MADD and the police remain unaware. I have had a battalion of unprotected lovers. I have ingested illegal drugs, so much so that even the flying monkeys quivered. At various points in my life, I have wrapped myself in lies, cheats and thievery. I've jumped on speeding trains, slid down mountains, jumped out of airplanes and stared down guard dogs. But all these things only heaped danger upon myself, not others, and most were born of youth or stupidity. But thankfully, I survived all my episodes, and emerged a little bit brighter. You know the old expression "I think, therefore I'm not as dumb as I used to be".

So, I have been left alone to ponder my dangerous-ness, and frankly, I am plum mystified. Perhaps I am not defining danger in the proper light. Is it possible that being kind and gentle is dangerous? What about founding a new 'religion'?, being sarcastic and irreverent?, looking for love in all the right places? Help me dear reader. I don't want to be dangerous. I mean I drive like an old lady, hold doors for people, and only flip people off when it's really called for. I don't even have a license to carry. I don't even tear that tag off my mattress.

I suppose, upon further reflection, that perhaps some of the things I believe are dangerous. For instance, I believe that the burning Bush is a fucking moron. I believe that we should have evolved already beyond any need to fight wars. I believe that most people are OK, until they show me how much they suck. And, I do believe that Lucky Charms are good for you.

Eureka!!!

I am a little afraid to reveal where my real danger lies, but it stems from such a long held belief, such a personal core value, that perhaps I am blinded to its inherent danger. I may as well just blurt it out. There's no sense hiding it anymore. Perhaps just by writing it I will undergo some sort of catharsis. So here goes:

CHINESE PEOPLE CAN'T DRIVE

Run for your lives. Don't hang around me. I can sense the danger already. It has been foreseen.

A posse of billions of chinks is hot on my trail, gunning for me with dried rice balls and thousand year old eggs, pedalling their bicycles as fast as they can. There's nowhere to hide. I'm sorry.