Saturday, August 2, 2008

J'accuse

Jeremiah was a bullfrog, and while I didn't know him, I'm fairly certain he wouldn't see me as dangerous. Yet, here I stand before you, recently accused of being dangerous.

Doc Holliday was dangerous. Ingesting copious amounts of whiskey and laudanum, while wearing several concealed handguns does not promote a safe environment. Mixing poker and money into the equation, bad idea. In any event, I am certainly not Doc Holliday dangerous.

I might scare people sometimes. I think Gail was genuinely afraid when she was thinking that I might be stupid enough to jump off that Ohio bridge.

Hanging around with Jesus was dangerous, but as far as I know, I am not wanted for fomenting rebellion against all things roman. There is no bounty on my head. I'm not significant enough.

I have been many things in my life. I've spent time playing several evil roles. There have been times when I was so paralyzed with insecurity that I fabricated things about myself. I am a repeat drunk driving offender, although MADD and the police remain unaware. I have had a battalion of unprotected lovers. I have ingested illegal drugs, so much so that even the flying monkeys quivered. At various points in my life, I have wrapped myself in lies, cheats and thievery. I've jumped on speeding trains, slid down mountains, jumped out of airplanes and stared down guard dogs. But all these things only heaped danger upon myself, not others, and most were born of youth or stupidity. But thankfully, I survived all my episodes, and emerged a little bit brighter. You know the old expression "I think, therefore I'm not as dumb as I used to be".

So, I have been left alone to ponder my dangerous-ness, and frankly, I am plum mystified. Perhaps I am not defining danger in the proper light. Is it possible that being kind and gentle is dangerous? What about founding a new 'religion'?, being sarcastic and irreverent?, looking for love in all the right places? Help me dear reader. I don't want to be dangerous. I mean I drive like an old lady, hold doors for people, and only flip people off when it's really called for. I don't even have a license to carry. I don't even tear that tag off my mattress.

I suppose, upon further reflection, that perhaps some of the things I believe are dangerous. For instance, I believe that the burning Bush is a fucking moron. I believe that we should have evolved already beyond any need to fight wars. I believe that most people are OK, until they show me how much they suck. And, I do believe that Lucky Charms are good for you.

Eureka!!!

I am a little afraid to reveal where my real danger lies, but it stems from such a long held belief, such a personal core value, that perhaps I am blinded to its inherent danger. I may as well just blurt it out. There's no sense hiding it anymore. Perhaps just by writing it I will undergo some sort of catharsis. So here goes:

CHINESE PEOPLE CAN'T DRIVE

Run for your lives. Don't hang around me. I can sense the danger already. It has been foreseen.

A posse of billions of chinks is hot on my trail, gunning for me with dried rice balls and thousand year old eggs, pedalling their bicycles as fast as they can. There's nowhere to hide. I'm sorry.

9 comments:

Andy said...

Apart from driving like an old lady (you're not actually an old lady, are you?) and believing that Lucky Charms (but why not lucky charms?) are good for you, both of which are, in my opinion, very dangerous, you don't seem that dangerous to me.

I didn't know that you weren't supposed to tear the tag off mattresses. Now I have to go check mine. Bugger.

Gail-Anne said...

Hi brother,
Yes, you are SO right. I was genuinely afraid when I believed you had jumped/fell in to that river in Ohio. So was your brother, who maintained that 'tilted head' look of worry until you confirmed otherwise.

As far as you being dangerous? Nah.

Honest?, yes.....and nobody really wants to hear the truth.

Also, besides the fact that Chinese people can't drive, Chinese people can't dance. I/we know. We took Tango lessons and many of the students were Chinese. It was crazy. Their little feet went every which way but to the beat/step. :-) The teacher was young and 'tight' and could move in ways I could never. She could snap her neck to attention and turn sharply and arch her back in such a way that even in my most prime sexual days I could not have perfectly angled and or arched myself as she did. I was jealous.

I went off on a tangent here. And in the spirit of honesty, I have already told you I find you scary at times, not dangerous, scary. The difference? I don't have a fucking clue.
And I love you.
Gail
peace...............

Andy said...

Oh Gail. So sweet. I want you as my sister!!! What lucky guys your brothers are!

Gail said...

Hi Andy,

(and I am going to reply here to your other comment, as well, about your broken fingers and bruises) Please, please, tell me you are kidding with me. You are, right?

First "thank you', your words were nice to read/hear. And we can be like sister/brother. We can work out the details later. It will be fun! :-)

Now, about your broken fingers and bruises. Again, please tell me you are so kidding/fooling with me. Puh-lease.

The "physical words" are so NON-violent. I know 'fallen angel' has had such fun with his spin and I loved that he did. But for real, it is an amazing, harmless, passionate, meaningful, intimate, communication for which I cannot find a name other than "physical words". So, I guess that is it then from this moment on, within the walls of "The Great Triad", mastered over by the dangerous "Fallen Angel" who loves Lucky Charms and is kind to old ladies and only flips people off who really deserve it - the name is now and forever "physical words". Amen. "Id like to thank the Blog Academy, the producers and director "Fallen Angel", Andy for being so brave, and every one who knows the benefit of 'physical words' I am forever indebted.

Gail
peace........

Anonymous said...

i like danger. i live with it. i don't think it exists here.

andy and gail should hook up.

i like that here you can be whatever i need.

thank you

Andy said...

Dear, dear Gail.

Of course I was only joking! It just seemed more fun to go along with the whole thing. I hope you don't mind.

I knew (or thought I knew) that Fallen Angels interpretation was, well, interpretation and not reality but, having said I'd try it out, it seemed appropriate to carry on the joke.

Lots of love to you, Gail.

@Anonymous - it might be a bit difficult to hook up with Gail for many reasons, not the least of which is that we are separated by quite a big ocean!

Andy

Jade said...

Hi Andy,
I think I was successful in changing my user-name' on here from Gail to Jade. I love "Jade", it is my favorite color. SO I am officially Jade on the Blog.


Phew..........big sigh of relief here. and I didn't mind at all. Sometimes I am a tad naive and too literal and cannot separate fact and fiction. Fallen Angel just reminded me about that and it seems you have as well. :-) I hear ya's!

Andy, have you looked at my 'profile'. I posted a 'question'. I would enjoy hearing your answer.

And as far as "Anonymous" goes. I think it is a "she'' . a very young 'she'.

And are you in England? I visited there. London. Stayed at 10 Gloucester Place at a lovely Bed and Breakfast'.
And anyway, you and I have already "hooked up" within the confines of 'The Great Triad' and under the direction of the 'Fallen Angel'.

Peace and physical words,
Jade (Gail)

Andy said...

Hi Jade,

I agree, it makes for a lovely name, although Gail or even Viola are great too!

There's nothing wrong with being a tad naive.

I tried to look at your profile but it won't let me. Either I have to have a Blogger profile (which I probably have...somewhere) or you have to alter some privacy settings to let all and sundry see it. The upshot being that I have no idea of the question but the answer is undoubtedly 'A hundred red hens'.

No, I am no longer in England but in Milan in Italy. I have been through Gloucester Place on the Tube but I don't think I ever stopped there. I used to live in the wilds of North-West Herefordshire which is very beautiful and, in my very biased opinion, the best place in the UK.

I guess we have already hooked up. I, too , think Anonymous may be female though I can't be sure about the age. I think you may know more than you're letting on!

I'm glad that you didn't mind about the physical words thing.

Ciao Bella.

p.s. sometimes Blogger refuses to let my comments through the ether so there are times when I have posted a reply, Jade, but you didn't get to see it. Sorry about that.

Anonymous said...

Um. I don't think you're dangerous at all. I have just fallen in love with you mind. Does that make me dangerous? To whom?

The reason the chinese drive that way is that they're trying desperately to get to the next rest stop after eating thousand year old eggs.