Feet

It is fairly obvious to me that I am in the minority regarding my amusement with disembodied human feet. I'm fairly certain that there is someone, somewhere, missing, or ruing the half dozen human feet that have washed ashore in British Columbia. I am also fairly certain that those same people are not missing the shoes those feet were wearing. The story has also piqued my continuing curiosity regarding the frequency of finding single items of footwear abandoned in the streets of America.

I am a firm believer that the hokey pokey is what it's all about, but this does not explain the phenomenon of disowned feet/footwear. Surely, they haven't fallen off while 'shaking it all about'. And it seems to me that most people would rather cut off their hands than give up 1/2 a pair of their most comfortable shoes. So, I think it is relevant to examine the advantages of being monopedal.

I believe that most of the advantages lie in what we would not be able to do. For instance, it would be impossible to run an errand, or plant your feet firmly on the ground. Running around in circles would be much more difficult, but getting nowhere would be a reachable goal. Going to hell in a hand basket would be much more likely, while jumping for joy would be much more tedious. Tantrums would be made more difficult since stomping your feet would be eliminated, and clearly, Dorothy would still be in Oz, but 'there's no place like home' would be adopted by many more of us. We would, by definition, lose Runaround Sue, but Hopalong Cassidy could make a strong comeback.

Regarding more practical matters, Dancing with the Stars would become a thing of the past. All discussion of raising the basket in the NBA would come to a screeching halt. The three-legged race, which you must admit makes us look like the fools that we are, would be erased from the family reunion landscape. We could no longer run into dead ends, but running headlong into brick walls would be far more frequent. And the world would be a far safer place as well. Bicycle thefts would surely decline, running from the law is out, and prison escapes would be a thing of the past. We could get our civil liberties back as well, since no one could ever kick your door in again, with or without a warrant, and sobriety tests would be far more limited. And voting would be far more clear cut as it would be far easier to determine whether a candidate was leaning left or right of center. While toeing the line would still be possible, walking the line is out, as is walking the straight and narrow.

I think it is time to prepare. Frogs are losing limbs around the world. Can human beings be far behind? Stop running from your feelings, the past, your responsibilities; stop running period. Slow down and enjoy the music. Soon enough, you will have no choice. Soon enough, you are going to fall down, tip over, give up your flip or your flop, look down and discover it's already half gone.