Corralling the Free Range Chicken

Many of you are under the impression that you can believe what you read, especially when it comes to labels, but in the interest of the general public, I feel it is my duty to dispel one of the great myths of the modern era--the health benefits of the free range chicken.

The chicken, like its close relative, the pigeon, will eat anything. This includes used condoms, radioactive waste, thumbtacks and, on the odd occasion, the black mamba. Therefore, it should be obvious to all right thinking humans that it is imperative that we confine the chicken to a safe area where it will be forced to consume the chemically altered hormones and the vitamin water that are best for them. It might benefit the reader to learn a little bit about the day-to-day life of the free range chicken to illuminate the inherent dangers. Approximately 99.27% of all free range chickens eat, romp and play in the vast acreage of the Alamagordo testing grounds in New Mexico. The remainder are scatterd about in the ebola breeding grounds in Gabon, and in the NYC subway system where they are allowed to ride free of charge and are often noted mating at ground zero. The free range chicken, not noted for its herding behavior, are often observed, however, in a modified phalanx akin to a duckpin bowling setup. They are most often led by the dominant mamba assasin. They are rounded up by specially trained Mexican free-tailed bats, who utilize their highly evolved sonar guidance systems to chase the scatterbrained, and often herky jerky chickens to the beheading chambers.

I was immediately struck, as I'm sure you were, by the striking similarities with the internet dating behaviors of the the free range vagina, whether or not it is being used for good or evil.

I recently went on my first date with the Demure One, and I accidently discovered several tactics that might prove useful to others traversing the terrain of the FRV, especially if you are well over the typical dating age, as I am. I will list them below.

1. Roses still work, especially when you want to send them.
2. Birthday presents, especially when having considered the likes of your prospective date, still work.
3. Pretending to be normal, even if you are not, is useful initially, although in the long run, the truth shall set you free.
4. Listen attentively. While this is a difficult task for most men, it is important. You never know when the words 'blue' and 'subway' will pop up
5. Pass out at dinner. I know, I never would have thought of this one either. It is especially important to try to pick a day when temperatures will exceed 100F. Long walks and lack of hydration are vital. Museums are also a great take. The little collections of ancient knick knacks seem to elevate a woman's libido. Besides, you will be protected by countless Polynesian fetishes.
Anyway, passing out, sweating profusely, and lying prone on the sidewalks of NYC seemed to work especially well for me. As an added bonus, I wound up so enamored of the Demure One that my brain has failed to jumpstart nearly a week later.

I'm feeling like I just ate a free range, radioactive, hormone-laden 12-egg omelette filled with salmonella tomatoes and bat guano, my brain synapses are misfiring like an overheated B.A.R., and my chest is puffed out like a mating woodpecker. Golly jeez, I never felt so good.