I Have Seen the Future...in Idaho

I'm thinking in advance that this post may be more political than I am usually inclined to write, but as I came to believe today that Jon Stewart is far more humble than I would have imagined, I guess any subject is fair game. And while the word 'liberal' carries no negative connotations for me, I do think it is time to remove it from the lexicon. Mr.Stewart, in an interview repeatedly stated that he doesn't believe that the greatest division in our society is between liberals and conservatives, and, quite frankly, I wholeheartedly agree. In fact, he goes on to emphasize that the differences between people, on either side, are not as great as we are led to believe, and I would also offer my total assent to this conjecture. And this led me to think that the real problem is that none of us really understand the english language. So, I think it is time to rename our political parties, and take a nostalgic trip back to merry old England, where they laugh about politics (albeit in a stodgy sort of way) far more than we do. As I'm sure you are all aware, one of the major parties in the English government is the Conservative party, aka the Tories (you need to decide if this is true as I am very unclear about it). Utilizing this model, I think it is time that we, as americans, simply lump the democrats and republicans into a single party, henceforth known as the Conservatives. It should be clear, to even the most dense, that, at the core of both political parties, is the desire to 'conserve' the status quo, and by this, I mean, that their single greatest desire is to keep their own pockets lined with gobs of cash. OK, OK! On a more relevant note, the real goal of both parties is to 'conserve' a constitution written over 200 years ago, immediately following a war of independence in which bumpkin farmers and ranchers, and wealthy slave owners, fought side by side in order to attain the representation they desired. Well, last time I looked, one would be hard pressed to actually know a farmer in modern america, and, while you can actually find real ranchers in South Dakota, they tend to keep to themselves; and I don't think you can find any slave owners anymore, unless you view the general populace as I do.

Now Mr.Stewart also stated that as a 'screamer in the grandstands', he doesn't believe that he is actually on the playing field; that his only real role is to utilize sarcasm, hyperbole, and humor to illustrate the truth; and that in his role as a critical observer, he lacks the involvement to effect any real change. I accept the truth of this, and since I fall in the same general category, I feel it is time to offer concrete alternatives. So...

It is time to bring back true representative government. In this vein, I believe that the federal government should seize the state of Idaho, by eminent domain, and establish it as the seat of government. Now I don't think we can fit every voter in Idaho, but I do think that we could fit enough people to decrease the current ratio of one senator for every 300,000 people. For instance, if we were to elect a senator for every 20 people in the US, we would have far greater true representation, and I do think that with slight alteration, we could fit all of the fifteen million senators in Coeur D'Alene, or perhaps Pocatello. This would serve two greatly needed steps forward; one, I would personally feel more represented, and two, the vast sums of money generated by political graft and gladhanding would be more equitably distributed to a far greater percentage of the population. I also happen to believe that companies, such as BP, would be far more afraid of an angry mob of fifteen million senators in Idaho than they are of the hundred, alcohol-sedated lawyers currently residing in D.C.. On a more positive note, I would guess that the long-awaited, and overdue, legalization of marijuana, would stand a much greater chance of passage. It will also greatly reduce traffic on the beltway.

Now, as any true american knows, we cannot thrive in a one party system, so I would now like to establish our new, second political party-the Progressives (yeah, I know this word elicits almost a much vitriol as 'liberal', but as 'progress' sits at the root of it, it's ok with me), and I think the basic platform of this new party would be to shift our outdated political paradigms firmly into the 21st century. For instance, we could vote for the president over the internet (this would also aid in eliminating the electoral college, certainly our most confusing political entity; it would also increase the actual number of Americans who vote, as you wouldn't have to leave the house), and it also might serve to actualize the long-held american dream of 'a chicken in every pot' (this would, of course, require a lot more chickens, and a lot more pots, and thereby create an enormous boost to our economy).

As I am unemployed (a 99er, in fact), I have the time to garner the support of twenty of my friends, so I think I'll be moving to Idaho in the very near future. It may also afford me the luxury of realizing a constant dream of mine-to become the minority whip. I have always wanted to be a whip (not sure why, but it does make me laugh). So, I would ask all my fellow Progressives to join me, and support me (I think twenty dollars should do the trick), in my campaign.

I don't want any of you to read this post, and view it as farce. I think, that given the current state of national bankruptcy worldwide (read Ireland and Greece), and our current american deficit in the trillions (my personal debt barely approaches this figure), that it is high time we realized that bigger IS better, and that the national electorate should walk beside me on this progressive path to Idaho. And with all due respect to Jon Stewart, let it be known, that unlike him, I am an agent for change. Although, come to think of it, I could use a speech writer.