A Very Big Decision

I reached a major decision today, one that will greatly affect my life, and, should also eradicate 99.9% of the world's problems. I found myself distracted from the grand undertakings of the chronically unemployed by a small spider climbing up my wall, googled a bit, and took a sacred oath that I will no longer masturbate. No, dear reader, this is not a tantric choice. I am not trying to retain the gobs of energy released in a self indulgent orgasm. Nor, indeed, did it arise from a most astounding declaration, offered by my best friend, that, despite my man breasts, despite my overhanging gut, despite my male pattern baldness and despite my normal sized penis, that I am the sexiest man alive. No, I am not saving myself to share the wealth, so to speak. Although, sharing the wealth is indeed at its core. It is a decision reached after several seconds of logical mindplay, as huge numbers clicked off in rarely used neurons of my brain, bringing to bear the pittance of information that I can recall from my last macroeconomics course. Yes, dear readers, if it isn't obvious by now, I based my decision entirely on the ethical and economic consequences of, what I now consider, the single biggest obstacle to a loving and equitable world...toilet paper.

Ah, you think I mock you, but let me assure you that I am not. This is serious business. For those of you living in Eritrea or Chad, where there exist no sanitary facilities of any kind, let me assure you that I can understand the doubting laughter gurgling from your diaphragms, but, if you will allow me to illustrate, I will present a compelling case in favor of 'eliminating' toilet paper entirely from the global mindset (I am not advocating a return to saturated corncobs, or arctic mosses, or even banyan leaves...it's just that I think, given that we can create computers more capable than the human brain, that we can invent a less impactful substitute). So, let's start with the numbers.

In order to keep up with world demand, we currently produce over 83 million rolls of toilet paper per day...over 30 billion rolls per year. Admit it...those numbers are staggering. In the United States alone, we spend over $6 billion per year to keep our asses clean. I think you will agree that there are better places for that kind of money. And let me digress for just a moment, and offer my hearfelt gratitude to those of you doing your share...the 60% that are folders. I myself am a quadruple folder, but I believe that triple folders are the norm (It is also interesting to note that 60% of you are also lookers).

So, let's assume that the remainder of the world in its entirety,uses half again as much toilet paper (India, for example, spends only a tenth of what the US spends, but...well, I saw Slumdog Millionaire too). That would bring annual expenditures on toilet paper to 9 0r 10 billion dollars worldwide. Over a 25 year period, that's a quarter of a trillion dollars, not enough to balance the budget, but, I am certain that whether you are a front-to-back-er, or a back-to-front-er, a folder, a looker, or a crumpler, that there are much more needed things worldwide that we could spend the money on. I leave it to you to decide where it goes.

I am only trying to do my part. I realize that this cannot happen overnight. Given the frequency of my self pleasuring, I think the savings would be huge (just think of the savings If Howard Stern would join me). Yes, it is a baby step, but it is a step in the right direction. Join me. I beg you. Rue the invention of Thomas Crapper. The waste! The waste! There is so much more to share with the unclean masses.