Forward Thinking

"Don't believe everything you think"

I took a little road trip this weekend for my daughter's graduation and was struck by how many drivers never turn their heads left or right--just stare straight ahead. That you can drive that way through the Green mountains of Vermont without taking in the scenery is bad enough, but not the point. We all spend too much time just looking straight ahead, like there's no other choice.

I arrived at my daughter's apartment, and after a very pleasant visit, off we went to the ceremonies. It was a beautiful, sunny day, I was the proud dad, and all seemed right with the world. Then the commencement speaker came out, some hippie relic filmmaker with a famous last name but not the famous filmmaker, and starts spouting off that the 'probable presidential candidate' represents a real opportunity for change, and that how today's youth has to pick up the baton that the 60's relay team dropped, and carry us into the new democratic paradise. After my initial urge to strangle him passed, I began to calmly dissect his call to arms. If I were still a youth I would have to ask myself why I would listen to a man who believes that any current political candidate can represent change. I mean, you can change the skin on your cell phone, but it's still a cellphone. To pretend that any candidate is not firmly entrenched in the old guard is ludicrous. To fail to realize that any of the big three presidential hopefuls hasn't been salivating over their ascent to office since the days when they were still fondling their barbie dolls, is almost criminal. Change cannot come from within the establishment. It can only come from a candidate who doesn't want to be president. Therefore, I rescind my candidacy (the really intelligent amongst my readers will realize that by rescinding my candidacy, I am actually declaring that I want to be president, thereby declaring that I am not a candidate for change, even though I actually am, so you better not vote for me anyway).

We drive looking forward because we are afraid of the unpaved path; we are afraid to not know where we are going. It's like getting married a second time. You already know that you suck at it, but you follow the known road anyway. Change cannot be implemented for the whole of society until the individual is willing to glance sideways. It cannot come slowly, it cannot come through revolution, it cannot come through terrorism. It has to emanate from each of us individually. We, each of us, need to explore the possibility that the righteous path may be rife with better lefts and rights, maybe even u-turns.

"It's not hard to grow, when you know that you just don't know".

Ice cream

I was all ready this morning to instigate a national protest regarding the size reduction of ice cream containers. I mean it costs the same, but its got less ice cream. Edy's even went so far as to change the dimensions of the container, undoubtedly in an attempt to deceive us. But I can't be mad about it anymore. The world is full of great news today.

A heinous terrorist plot was uncovered in Pennsylvania yesterday. Authorities are still trying to tie up all the loose ends, but I will tell you what I know. The plot is definitively of national scope and scale. We should all put our hands together for the postal employees of Mohnton, PA..

National security authorities have long suspected that the current ant infestation in Houston was linked to a terrorist cell in Taiwan. Through the use of cellphone monitoring, and other really cool high tech gizmos, authorities have long known that al-Qaeda and other terrorist groups have given up on more traditional activities i.e. flying planes into buildings, suitcase nuclear devices and biological water contamination, and have determined that the proper path to follow involves disrupting the US economy.

It all begins in Houston in 2002. Early that September, The Hashish of the American Infidel, a cargo ship of Liberian registry, docked at pier 37c at the port of Houston. A crew member, later identified as Abdul el Bulbul Amir, left the ship with three large breeding colonies of 'crazy, rasberry ants' concealed in his suitcase. He released the first colony at the airport, a hub for many major airlines. The second colony was released near NASA. The third, concealed in a plastic water bottle (red, I think) and accidentally dropped by Amir, was picked up by a travelling Mariachi band who threw it out the car window when they discovered it was full of ants. The 'crazy rasberry ants', like all other ants, are drawn to high tech electrical wiring. It was believed that if they could infiltrate the electronic systems at the Houston airport, that the travel industry would be disabled. The theory of the NASA infestation was that if they could disable the electronics there, then what little is left of the american imagination could be eradicated. The third accidental release bore consequences so dire that they must be left for later.

The 'crazy rasberry ants' have not accomplished their mission as of yet. However, they have created collateral problems. The ants, which now number in the billions, have managed to shut down several sewage treatment plants, disable numerous home electrical meters, and disrupted satellite TV reception in a five county area. Since, as of yet, there is no known way to eliminate the pests, NASA and the airlines are extremely worried about future problems. They have also inflicted great damage to the regions agriculture, eating everything in their path. The unfortunate consequence of the accidental release, is that the ants devour the offspring of the beloved, and already endangered, state bird of east Texas, the Attwater's prairie chicken. The survival of the species is in grave doubt.

The second part of the plot was stopped dead in its tracks by alert postal workers in Pennsylvania, when they interrupted the shipment of several packages containing 26 mating pairs of rhinoceros, Goliath and Hercules beetles. These beetles, 5-6 inches across, can be devastating to fruit and vegetable crops, as well as turf grasses. They have also been known to devour small children. Part of the original plan was to denude the playing fields of Pennsylvania, thereby interrupting the quarterback crop for the NFL for generations to come.

It is unknown at this time whether the third segment of the plot came to fruition. The plan was to salt preying mantis grounds in New England and the midwest with fertility drugs. It remains a mystery as to what was intended here, but I can tell you categorically that I, for one, am terrified by the praying mantis.

So, rest easy, america, your hard earned tax dollars, and the bureaucracies they support, have ensured once again that our great country, and our great people will survive for years to come.
Maybe I don't need to seek the presidency after all.

Aliens, Einstein and Entropy

"The eternal mystery of the world is its comprehensibility"---Albert Einstein


The vatican announced recently that it is OK to believe in aliens, that it "doesn't contradict our faith", and that denouncing the possibility of extraterrestrial life would be like "putting limits" on god's creative freedom.

With all due respect to members of The Church of the Unblemished Beaver (aka 'chubbies') and other falderol inspired houses of worship, it is about fuckin time. The interview with the rev. Jose Gabriel Funes, titled The Extraterrestrial is my Brother, clears the way for welcoming aliens to earth while killing each other off. He added that the bible "is not a science book", and the Big Bang is the most "reasonable" explanation for the creation of the universe. The most reverend Funes apparently has not read the triadic theory of relativity.

Albert Einstein, a much smarter man than me, once wrote "...The word of God is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honourable, but still primitive legends which are nevertheless pretty childish. No interpretation now matter how subtle can (for me) change this." Einstein, however, was clearly conflicted on the subject of religion. "Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind."--"God does not roll dice..." He also frowned on atheistic evangelism in his name; the evangelists lacked humility in his eyes. (Objection noted, Albert, but you are dead and have no say here)

Just prior to his death, Einstein spoke of wishing to "experience the universe as a single cosmic whole". However, his 'roll the dice' comment was made to dispute the randomness of quantum theory. It is clear to me that he was nearly ready to accept the basis of the Great Triad. Unfortunately, the ancient texts had not been unearthed in 1954. Also, in 1954, he was already an old man and his Mamou influence had already waned. Which leads me to the crux of this essay.

Mamou is pissed off, feeling ignored, shunned even. The cataclysmic events of recent days is evidence of his temper--earthquakes, volcanoes, child immolation, democratic primaries. The Great Triad is out of balance and he wants his share back.

I was pondering the life of Owsley Stanley today. Once dubbed the LSD millionaire, justly or unjustly, he is now a hardcore carnivore living in the Australian outback. Which led me to realize that drugs are just a business, like any other business, and I began to ponder the differences between businesses. Clearly, the worldwide gangs and associated drug cartels are run by people who can only be described as 'smart businessmen'. But in order to exert any positive influence, they need to be smarter still. Politics, and resultant 'influence' can only be affected, at least in the good ol' u.s. of a., by businesses that have been speciously labeled 'in the national interest'. By this I mean oil, steel, power and drug companies. Drug lords need to find a way to funnel their enormous profits into political action committees.

You know, we could be forgiven once for believing that Kennedy, or McGovern, might be the saving grace for our country; the naivete of youth perhaps. But we can only blame rampant stupidity for believing that any of the current candidates will do anything different. We have been listening to the same series of spins, half truths and false promises for well nigh a generation. And this can only be explained by entropy.

When we are born, we all have an overload of Mamouness. We jump of roofs, shoot BB guns at passing cars, smoke a lot of weed, drink a lot of beer, have a lot of sex. We don't make plans, or save money. We learn to walk, we learn to drive. The world comes at us how it wants, when it wants, without consequence, with possibility. But the more we learn, the more we forget, then we forget how to learn. We forget how to get lost, we forget how to play, we forget how to remember. And when we reach that 'quiet desperation', we go out searching for spirituality, or fun, or a strange piece of ass. We look to jesus, or yoga, or golf, or plasma TVs for the quietude of not giving a shit.

So I would ask all 4o+ americans to make a commitment. Roll a fatty and get high. Go fuck someone you don't know. Burn your bras (men too). Dance naked in the streets. Find you inner child and revert.

It is in the spirit of today's essay that I announce my candidacy as a write-in for president of the united states of amerika. I will take no money from anyone. Simply write in Fallen Angel in November. I promise that I will be high for the duration of my term(s). I promise that you will view the presidency as your favorite sitcom. I promise you that I will piss on the shoes of any congressperson who stands in my way. I will have no staff. I will trim the deficit by spending no money at all. I will send no one off to senseless wars. I will nominate Louis Black to the Supreme Court. I will legalize all drugs. I will remove "In god we trust' from all currency. I will insist that all congressional pages wear funny hats. I will eliminate red and blue from the color spectrum. I will make amerika the pride of the world. If I live that long.